dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
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