i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
