If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How does it feel to date your dad?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
