I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
