a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
