How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
