If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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