her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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