getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
