I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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