I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
