You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
