So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
