I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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