Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
