At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
