I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
