My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
