God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
