Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
