I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
