Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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