Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
