Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
