You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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