she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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