if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
