bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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