omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
