found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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