that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
