walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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