she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
