i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
