I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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