My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
