she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
