I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just invented taco cereal.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
