I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
