areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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