I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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