new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize