so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
