I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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