the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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