you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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