Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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