Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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