Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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