I am spending my child support on dildos
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
