i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
