I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
