the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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