I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need a burrito and a hug.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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