So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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